“Men are the worst.”

“Boys will be boys.”

“All men…”

Statements like these are some of the easiest to make, written out in a matter of seconds, spoken with a few simple syllables. They get a shared laugh and maybe a sigh. They’re popular hashtags that circulate every so often, making light of a complex issue by feminists, moms, social justice warriors (SJWs), and men alike. While it’s certainly easy to share these sentiments and make men out to be the enemy, statements like this are inherently problematic. They serve to draw attention away from the real issue at hand—that masculinity forces men to act in certain ways, and punishes them when they do not. This issue goes much deeper, entailing thousands of years of sexism and gender discrimination being simplified into something that paints an easy target: men collectively. Instead of viewing men as the source of all evil, we should instead strive to understand that men operate under the same gender pressures women do, regardless of whether or not they benefit from those pressures. 

Before my plea for men begins, I would like to acknowledge the elephant in the room, or rather, the women. History is populated with the efforts of women trying to fight for equality, grasping at any semblance of equality, only to reach for more in a never-ending pursuit. I’m not here to deny that women have been stomped on by the world for the majority of their existence, nor am I going to argue that women are not still getting discarded and having to fight for every inch of ground. I promise that no spitting on the work of feminists or women alike will take place. I simply want to offer the idea that maybe men are suffering in some of the same ways women do. 

To begin, masculinity should be viewed as a sort of double-edged sword. Men are rewarded for their masculine presentations and benefit from their perceived gender, whether they are aware of it or not. However, simultaneously they struggle under the pressure of masculinity, something that entails suppression of emotions, fear-based homophobia, and a lack of intimate connections with their loved ones, all of which lead to a quality of life that is unsustainable. 

A common response to this argument may very well be that “women have it so much worse,” but it’s not fair to compare in this way. A man shouldn’t have to prove that what he’s going through is painful in order to get pity and he shouldn’t be told that he needs to suck it up because women are more disadvantaged. Yes, women are the historical and present victims of sexism, and yes, women continue to fight these pressures. However, the bottom line is that these struggles shouldn’t be pitted against each other where one clear winner gets all the sympathy. No one wins where compulsory gender conformity exists, not even men. Gender norms, to put it eloquently, suck. 

For men, one of the most dangerous norms to which they are told they must adhere is being unemotional. From infancy, boys are taught it’s unmanly to cry. They’re ‘babies’ or ‘s*ssies’ if they show they’re in pain. Men are constantly being negatively reinforced for every show of emotion they make, transforming them into someone who no longer knows how to show real emotion. This pressure is one which has real, deadly consequences for men. Data collated by the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention reported that “in 2020, men died by suicide 3.88x more than women.” This is clearly a cry for help and a sign of desperately needed change. 

There is, however, one exception to the ban on emotionality for men, which is anger. The stereotype of a dominant, aggressive, and career-driven man is one which lends itself to the idea of manly rage. When a boy is told the only emotion he should feel is anger, he becomes a man who can express only resentment and fury. Boys are aided in their efforts to fit this mold with toy guns, dangerous sports, and video games filled with normalized violence. Their infant anger turns into aged violence, which eventually manifests in the form of harming others, sometimes in irreversible ways. Statistics from the Bureau of Justice Statistics show that “while about three-fourths of the victims of family violence were female, about three-fourths of the persons who committed family violence were male.” When men are taught the only way they can express themselves is by harming others, we all suffer because of it. 

The question then becomes, what to do with this information or where the answer to all our gender problems might lie. Unfortunately, I can’t offer a cookie cutter answer. Gender socialization is a terrible, widespread cultural phenomenon which cannot be taken on alone or dismantled in one swoop of a sword. Saying otherwise would be falling into the same vein of ignorance that points towards men being the problem for everything, rather than the greater scheme at work—gender expectations which constrain everyone. 

My first word of advice would be to start small. Talk to the men in your life. The men who suffer from masculinity pressures are not some statistic. They exist around you and a lot of them are hurting, without anyone to share their struggles with. Think back—can you remember the last time your dad cried? What about your mom? If you’re like me, you can’t recall your father, or your brother (past puberty of course) ever crying, but can remember the last time your mom cried. 

Further, there’s a lot of promise in male-led groups which not only allow, but encourage men to share their emotions and feelings about the pressures of masculinity. Would I encourage you to join the Men’s Rights Movement? No. Unfortunately, this group seems to be more focused on bashing women and swearing that men are the only ones who are suffering from sexism, which is the opposite of what we as a society actually need. However, groups that do strive to give men the support they so desperately need are ones I foresee as being a first step towards real change. A Call to Men, an organization offering programs, educational material, events and more might be a good place to start.

The bottom line is that men and women need each other. Making each other out to be the enemy is consistently counterproductive and creates division at a time when unity is essential. Both parties are constrained by gender conventions in many ways that are so similar, despite them being so often postulated as opposites. Taking the time to recognize that men are being socialized to reaffirm their masculinity is half of the battle. Holding onto past resentment is only going to push us backwards. It’s time to recognize that men are not the end-all be-all for our problems and maybe, just maybe, they too want change and freedom from gender pressures.